Pity Party Over!

Okay, okay...
I'm not going to let disappointment rule my life. To help me along this road I have been trying to find some time to focus on me. Of course I'd choose torture...

I've been running. Well, I call it running but it is actually a mixture of walking and running. I've been running 10 miles a week as a goal to start. There happens to be a pretty fun 5k happening right after my birthday so I'm looking forward to that. My favorite time to run is early morning just as the sun is rising. I love sunrises. I just don't usually have any desire to get up when the sun does but that is exactly what I've been doing on a few days a week lately.
It gives me time alone to reflect, recharge, and reassess my goals. I still want a squishy little baby but I am going to learn to be patient and content with all of the many beautiful things in my life right this very moment. I'm such a lucky girl and I certainly have plenty to celebrate!

That doesn't mean I won't feel terribly heartbroken. I guess what has frustrated me about this whole process is that I am healthy and nothing points to a real reason for not conceiving. So, I'm a damned medical mystery! I have been able to see my thyroid doctor and he has put me on a different medication regiment and he feels is should definitely help me. Another waiting game... Because waiting is my absolute favorite.  

...


But onto new things! Holiday things! Music things! Photography things!

October came and went rather quickly. I was able to get behind my camera for a couple of photo shoots. Both went amazingly and I am finding that I am growing in my skills a ton after each session! Of course I am not the greatest photographer around and I don't claim to be, but I do have an eye and I do enjoy capturing simple moments. My first passion will always be music but photography is a close second. Both allow me to be creative and let off steam. And I'm pretty heavy on the steam lately so it is good I have these outlets.

The family is well. My kids are doing great in school and soccer just ended so we have our lives back. No more driving across town four or five days a week! And of course, we are all getting excited for the approaching Holiday season! Big family meals, desserts, reflecting over the year, and coming together to celebrate our blessings, big and small. A little bit of actual cold weather wouldn't hurt either (come on California!!!)

Well, there you have it. I've neglected this post long enough. I promise to try and update often. Hopefully with some fun pictures next time.

Cue the Jeopardy theme song...

Days turned to weeks turned to months.

This trying to conceive thing is not for the weak. I don't think I ever expected it to take this long*. My other three kids were conceived easily and without much planning. I'm almost at the point where I want to explore options with my doctor. Even though my tests have come back normal, I am not sure why a woman with such a normal cycle and no history of any medical issues related to pregnancy would have such trouble? My thyroid should be at a normal level now that I've been on my increased dose for around 8 weeks. I don't really want to add the stress of temp taking and charting ovulation since those things only make me more anxious. I've been very stress free these last few months of trying. I'd be angry but I'm too sad.

The worst part is that I have always had regular cycles. They are still pretty regular but last month I was four days late (not pregnant). This month I was a couple days late (not pregnant) and in general I can't really predict anything going on in my body any longer. Every month is a new or different symptom that could mean I'm pregnant or that my much despised visitor is about to knock on the door. Ugh.

This isn't what I expected back in March when we started trying. I hope I get answers soon. I am not very good at waiting. I am also not very good at not falling apart and for some reason I am on the verge of tears often. This is not who I want to be. So, I am trying to distract myself, find new things to dive into... I am trying to run (jog/walk) 10 miles a week. I used to love running but over the years, it was something I started loathing. Not anymore. I am setting goals and trying to get outside and have more "me" time while I jog. If I don't, I am afraid my "me" time will include mass amounts of ice cream and bad TV.

* I realize 7 months isn't as long as many women try but for me it seems like an eternity. I hate that I sound whiny and discouraged when I know friends who have had a much harder time conceiving just one child. Please don't think I am ungrateful or unappreciative. I just need to write out my feelings or I may burst.

Fall Gardening (First Attempt)

I've been planting a small Spring/Summer garden for the past two years and this year I am venturing out into new gardening territory with a Fall garden. Gardening has a very calming effect on me. I never thought much about gardening until about three years ago and my distrust in the FDA and GMO products led me to try my hand at growing some of my own produce. Not much variety so far but as I get more experienced, I hope to increase what I grow. Usually I neglect the garden after I harvest the last Summer crops and then it looks like a disaster until Spring gets here again. Starting this week I will prep some containers for new seeds and await the two garden boxes I am having made by a friend. She is using reclaimed wood to build planters, home decor, etc...and I can't wait to utilize her talents and make more room for new garden space. So far I am going to try planting, broccoli, spinach, kale, carrots, parsley, chives, lettuce, purple basil and italian sweet peppers. My Summer garden is still truckin' along. I have tons of jalapeños and poblanos to harvest in the next couple of weeks and I am going to have a salsa making weekend when I do!

I still haven't spruced up the side of my yard yet. That poor side-yard needs a lot of TLC and I don't have time or funds to make that happen just yet. Plus, I still haven't settled on a final idea for the pavers yet and my husband needs a little extra time to understand my "visions" for this space. I'm going to try to focus on my living room and kitchen walls this Fall. When I'm not gardening I will most likely be mapping out some wall space for many pictures and some art I have neglected to frame. I'll be sure to share my progress on both the garden and the pictures.

Un-American

Every year around this time it sneaks up on us. And every year around this time I try to avoid it like the plague. Many people would consider this response to be un-American. I'm talking about our County Fair of course! I do not understand why people enjoy scarfing down on deep fried heart attacks on a stick and walk around in the dusty crowded fairgrounds while essentially wasting tons of money on a higher cholesterol number... I just don't get it. Sure, when I was a kid I had loads of fun at the Fair but times have changed for this thirty-something and I have no desire to spend money I don't have on food we don't need. Bah. Humbug.

So I am hoping the kids don't ask. I can't really turn them down if they do. After all, there are a few fun things that make me not hate the Fair. For instance, the animals.

I never get tired of seeing baby chicks, newborn calves, piglets, bunnies and sheep! I also enjoy the exhibits. I look forward to seeing whose photography won first place and whose artwork earned a blue ribbon. Those are things I do not mind seeing and doing. Maybe if the Fair had a separate entrance for people like me who despise sweating and walking on dusty crowded pathways to buy crappy food, I would lighten up just a bit. Or how about an indoor (and air conditioned) area for people like me to watch the animals? Genius idea right? Last year we managed to avoid the Fair and I am hoping we do the same this year. If you added up the money wasted on one night at the Fair, I'm quite sure we could take a fun day trip to the beach or have a fancy picnic. And if I really get the urge to see an animal I will let the cat curl up on the couch with me. Sounds perfect...

Falling back into place...

School has begun for the kids and that means I went back to work as well. Days are once again busy and nights are far too short. Days don't seem to have enough hours and going to bed at a decent hour never seems to happens. Such is the life of a mom I suppose.

A few things have happened since I last blogged. My grandpa passed away a few days after I posted about him. His funeral was nice. Many recalled very fond memories of his kindness and eagerness to pray for anyone who needed it, and those who didn't. I was honored to sing one of his favorite hymns at the service. It was just what I needed to do and it made the day more peaceful for me.

After losing him, it took a few days to get back into the swing of things. Work started and immediately I have been chained to my car or to the kitchen table (helping with homework). I am exhausted and it has only been three full weeks. We have two kids involved in soccer and that is also making a huge dent in our schedule. Even though I can easily find things to complain about, I will choose to embrace these full days. One day when the kids are grown, I'll be begging to be so busy.

Here are some fun photos from the last few weeks...

As you can see from the photos, soccer is taking over our lives. 

I am sure that the next couple of months will fly by quickly and we will all go back to our regular non-soccer lives until next year. In the meantime, I'm officially a soccer mom and it doesn't suck. 

My hero.

My grandpa served in the army during WWII. Growing up, I remember several stories from his days in the war, including very emotional ones where he described losing friends in battle and how the sky looked when the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima. Although my grandpa could talk for hours, it was rare for me to tire of these stories. He also told me stories about my father as a child which is particularly funny because my dad pretends he was never a child. But I love hearing about these things. I guess you could say my Grandpa was my hero, but not because he is a veteran. You see, he also told me stories of miracles he encountered. Stories about God's faithfulness and lessons he learned along the way. He started his day by praying for his loved ones. Every single day he did this. He was always concerned when one of us (or even one of my kids) were sick, always calling and checking in. 

His life was always sort of miracle to me. He had survived a very rough battle with colon cancer and surprised doctors through out the process with his miraculous recovery. He had survived heart attacks in his sleep and not even diabetes complications, including partial blindness, could undo his faith. He was the strongest man even during his weakest. Even now as he is very close to the end and still hanging on. I'm sure he is still worried and praying for the ones he is leaving behind. I know that as much as he is ready to go, he is probably still struggling with leaving us. He will leave behind a legacy that will always and forever be remembered and honored. I am so blessed that he has been in my life. Knowing everyday that this man has prayed for me and over my life and over the lives of my children is the greatest feeling. I will never ever forget this man, my biggest hero. Thank you grandpa for your love and know you'll be loved and remembered when your time comes. 

Filed under: Vacation Coma

We just arrived back in town yesterday afternoon after almost a week visiting Northern California and while I am happy to be back, I am now making it my mission to move to Chico, Redding or somewhere nearby...
Chico is a small college town with a big city feel. The downtown area has tons of very cool shops and eateries. One of our must visit places is a coffee shop called The Naked Lounge. Their mochas are made with Ibarra chocolate and it is one of my top coffee shops ever (I have been to many so I'm a good judge of these things). We stopped there to get our fix a few times during our visit but we also found another great coffee shop called Bidwell Perk. I picked up a heavenly chocolate chai there on our way to the actual Bidwell Park with the kids. They have an area called Caper Acres that is just for kids. We've been taking ours there since our first visit with Phoenix in the early 2000's. The park itself is huge and in addition to Caper Acres, there are trails for biking, hiking, jogging, etc... and watering holes to take a dip. I would move to Chico for this park alone. Okay, and maybe for the coffee and chai.

On our last full day of vacation we drove to Redding to visit the Turtle Bay Exploration Park. The museum portion had a cool Lego exhibit and information about early Native Americans who lived in the area, as well as info on the wildlife. We watched an aviary show, which featured a few different animals and many birds of the region. We saw turtles (of course) and tried to hike the botanical gardens but I was stubborn and hot and forgot my hat, so, it didn't happen. We did cross the sundial bridge over the Sacramento River and took in all of the beautiful scenery. I'm now checking out job opportunities for my husband in Redding because it is so close to the forest I am convinced we need to live there! Probably wishful thinking but oh well...

Other highlights of our trip were a tour of the public radio station in Sacramento where my husband's brother works. The kids got to wear headphones and talk into the mic. We hung out in old town Sacramento our first day and I took so many photos! We also visited the zoo in Sacramento and saw some amazing animals up close. One of my favorites was the zebras! I want to share a lot of the photos but I will do so in about 3-4 installments. I took too many to include here. Also, I forgot my Canon and only took pics with my iPhone. Still, from all of the photos I snapped it will be evident that we enjoyed every second of our time away. School (and work) starts back up in three weeks so I'll have to stare at these photos from time to time and try my best to get back into school/work mode. It won't be easy but if it means Fall is around the corner, I'll accept that my break from work is coming to an end.