Distracted and it feels so good...

Ever since we got home from our trip to the beach we have been having work done inside our home. Our old shower in the master bathroom was faulty. It has taken years but we finally have a new working shower! Because the shower caused water damage we also have new tile floors in our bathroom and new laminate in our room. We decided to expand the renovations and also replace the carpeting in our living room and the incredibly cheap laminate in our kitchen. This wouldn't have been possible if not for the lady who ran into our fence*.

Back story:

* In early January a woman drove into our fence and damaged it. The insurance estimated the damages and we received payment and my husband realized we could fix and replace the fence for far less ourselves. That left us with a lot of money left over so we decided to use it to make our house pretty.

Here are a few pics to give you an idea of what we have been working on...

Living Room Before (after new paint)

Living Room After (My hubby does nice work eh?)

We even made a space for Immy's ashes (which I received the day of my last blog post).

Our Master Bathroom like the other rooms in our home, is cozy, but finally functions!
Our upstairs bathroom also got new tile floors. 

Our Bedroom 

Our Bedroom before we put everything back in its place. 

New lighting in the kitchen. New kitchen table and new flooring coming soon! 

Back to my original post though.

We have had our house torn apart for a few weeks now and although it is killing me (because I am a neat freak), it has been good to distract myself with going through my stuff and purging the junk or long forgotten items in my possession. As a general rule, if I come across something that hasn't been used or thought about in a year, it goes to either the trash can or the Salvation Army. Many things have been donated thus far and I am not even halfway finished. Once I de-clutter, my new focus will be a memorial wall for Imogen. I can't wait to hang some pictures of our sweet girl. I also have a scrapbook to finish. One moment I feel like everything is moving a million miles a minute and then the next I feel like it is going in slow motion. I know my routine is being interrupted and things feel chaotic and life will probably feel that way for a long time. For now, I will embrace the distractions these home renovations are causing. Soon I will head back to work and things will go back to normal. Or at least a new normal. I'm not sure I'll ever feel like I did before the loss. And I know that isn't a terrible thing in the long run.

Get me out of here...

I don't think I've ever really been in a deep dark depression. I think if I could describe myself up until this point I could use words like optimistic, annoyingly happy, hopeful to a fault, etc...
I don't know if it is luck or genetics that I have been such a happy and positive person. I have had rough patches for sure and I have shed many tears but nothing that I couldn't come back from. I always wonder if songwriting has anything to do with my optimistic nature? I suspect it does.

I have written a small handful of songs for Imogen ever since we learned she was going to leave us. I haven't played a single instrument in months but the words and melody flowed easily from my head (and heart) onto the Notes app of my iPhone. I haven't shared any of these things with anyone. They are just quietly waiting for the right moment I guess. And I guess I may be quietly waiting for something as well.

There is such a helpless feeling when you lose a loved one. I could always handle that we were losing her because nothing I could have physically done would have changed the outcome but now that she has been gone for three weeks, frustration is starting to set in. Currently a contributing factor is that we still have not received her ashes. She hasn't even been cremated yet and the thought of that alone angers me. The doctor who called her time of death has already signed twice but both times the signatures have been rejected. I am overwhelmed by how easily this could be resolved and yet getting this one signature seems like just one more disappointment in a long line of disappointments. I am struggling with this need to find joy and with feeling like I am angry at the world and really I probably just need a good cry and a road trip. And maybe a lot of ice cream...



P.S. I really want to share Immy's songs with you and at some point I will. There is so much freedom in declaring peace and I feel at peace when I am writing.