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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Get me out of here...

I don't think I've ever really been in a deep dark depression. I think if I could describe myself up until this point I could use words like optimistic, annoyingly happy, hopeful to a fault, etc...
I don't know if it is luck or genetics that I have been such a happy and positive person. I have had rough patches for sure and I have shed many tears but nothing that I couldn't come back from. I always wonder if songwriting has anything to do with my optimistic nature? I suspect it does.

I have written a small handful of songs for Imogen ever since we learned she was going to leave us. I haven't played a single instrument in months but the words and melody flowed easily from my head (and heart) onto the Notes app of my iPhone. I haven't shared any of these things with anyone. They are just quietly waiting for the right moment I guess. And I guess I may be quietly waiting for something as well.

There is such a helpless feeling when you lose a loved one. I could always handle that we were losing her because nothing I could have physically done would have changed the outcome but now that she has been gone for three weeks, frustration is starting to set in. Currently a contributing factor is that we still have not received her ashes. She hasn't even been cremated yet and the thought of that alone angers me. The doctor who called her time of death has already signed twice but both times the signatures have been rejected. I am overwhelmed by how easily this could be resolved and yet getting this one signature seems like just one more disappointment in a long line of disappointments. I am struggling with this need to find joy and with feeling like I am angry at the world and really I probably just need a good cry and a road trip. And maybe a lot of ice cream...



P.S. I really want to share Immy's songs with you and at some point I will. There is so much freedom in declaring peace and I feel at peace when I am writing.




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