We knew we were being induced because of the high levels of amniotic fluid. I had gained roughly 30 pounds during the 37 weeks I carried her but about 80% of that or more was the weight of the amniotic fluid. I had been unable to walk for more than a small distance for weeks, couldn't sleep longer than a two hour stretch on my couch and was just plain miserable for weeks leading up to induction. I felt guilty for even wanting to be induced because I knew I was her lifeline and her birth meant her days were even more numbered. I really struggled with this. Ultimately I knew we were ready to face reality and I needed to make sure my health wasn't at risk. We went into the hospital on a Thursday evening. I knew an induction could take a long time or even cause complications but I was hopeful that wouldn't be the case with our labor and birth.
After determining I was not physically ready to deliver anytime soon, they used meds to ripen my cervix so I could start pitocin (the next day) and hopefully put my body into labor. This medicine worked pretty well and actually made me feel like I was in labor and for 12 + hours I was having hard and steady contractions. Unfortunately my body has a sensitivity to these meds and the contractions were too close to start pitocin. One of the concerns with a pregnancy like mine is the access amniotic fluid. My uterus was already stretched to capacity with the amount of fluid. That can cause very strong contractions that in rare situations leads to uterine rupture or a detached placenta. Both of these things could cause me harm. Those two outcomes were always in the back of my mind as I labored. It was a new experience for me as my other labors are relatively quick and uncomplicated. I was stressed out by the whole process by the end of Friday when labor stalled and nothing seemed to be happening. Saturday they unhooked me from the IV and allowed me to roam around and labor without being tied to the bed. I was able to get a lot of contractions going again and was hopeful. Later that afternoon though when we tried pitocin, it made my uterus contract violently and there continued to be no change in dilation. Overwhelmed and disappointed were thoughts that came to mind that afternoon. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I was starting to feel depressed.
When I awoke on Sunday (as if I really had gotten any sleep), we met with the doctor on call. Around 9 a.m. that doctor (who was very kind and calm) broke my water. It seems that I had dilated to 3 at some point after those three days of laboring off and on. When he broke my water you could see my belly deflate like a balloon. The fluid flooded the entire bed and some of the floor. If I could have captured the doctor's reaction to the amount of fluid you would maybe understand how those few minutes felt. I experienced immediate relief of the weight that I had been carrying around but I also felt guilty that the baby was now being forced out. Once my water broke, I knew time was literally ticking away and it wouldn't be very much longer. It is a little bit of a blur but I believe we tried pitocin once again and it sent me into violent contractions again. I starting losing blood and releasing clots. There was concern that my placenta was partially detached and each strong contraction could make it worse. They took me back off of pitocin. This is where I started getting emotional and cried. None of this journey was fair and now I'm having a complicated labor? I was getting angry and losing hope. I hated feeling so helpless especially knowing on top of everything else, my baby was going to die. I had to fight a battle in my own head just to stay at peace. At some point in the day the dreaded C-section conversation started and words like epidural (which I have never had) started coming up. Thanks to good advice and an open mind (and complete exhaustion), I said yes to the epidural. My body had a scary reaction to it so he removed it and placed it again in a different spot. I was too exhausted to even be scared. I just let it all happen and knew it wasn't in my hands. I felt a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a few days and it came just at the right time. The epidural relaxed my body to the point of letting me dilate to 6 by that evening. I remember hearing the news and then I knew a C-section was probably not going to happen, which lifted my spirits even more. We watched The Walking Dead and then I dozed off for a bit. My poor husband was probably more exhausted than I was. Neither of us had to ever spend this much time in a hospital room. We were ready to be home. After a couple of hours of sleep I awoke to strange feelings and asked the nurse to check on my progress. At around 1:15 a.m. I was finally ready to push so we called our family, a photographer (and friend) and after a few pushes Immy entered the world and was put right on my chest.
We marveled over her resemblance to Mazzy. She looked almost identical minus the obvious physical deformities. She never really took full breaths and her heart continued beating for 34 minutes. There is no doubt she didn't suffer for a minute and was so peaceful as she stayed close to my heart. She was 3 lbs. 14 ounces and almost 17 inches long. She had a few wisps of dark black hair near her neck and perfect little hands and feet. Our family was able to hold and snuggle her and I will always feel that her life in its simplicity and briefness was breathtaking to witness. Looking back, I have so many thoughts. She impacted us in a mighty way and I will never again be the person I once was...
I wrote this to her in my journal:
Imogen,
We may not get to experience the joy of bringing you home, but your spirit will always fill it.
You have taught us what unconditional love is, what it feels like and how to give it freely. Our ability to love has increased. We will never be who we once were. Your brief life has left an eternal mark on us.
You only knew love and loved you are. With everything in me you are loved.
Imogen taught me to love even when loss was imminent and even if disappointment was the end result. She showed me how her life mattered even if it was not lived for very long on this earth. She connected me with feelings I've never felt before. She filled in the cracks of my faith. My pregnancy was filled with both beauty and pain. And it was through this experience that I can say I understand how beautiful God's love is. I loved Imogen without condition and knowing she would never thrive in this life. Her existence was nothing short of love in its purest form and forever I will honor her life with mine.
Thank you Immy for teaching me about love.
