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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Thankful

Most people would find it rather difficult to be thankful when going through a pregnancy that will end in a loss. I can totally understand why people feel that way but I have been fortunate enough to find this isn't the case with me. Sure, I'd love a different outcome. A healthy baby... That would be on the top of my list. But since the cards I have been dealt are not in favor of a healthy baby, I must cling to any and every ounce of joy I can find. I'm just over 26 weeks and her kicks are stronger than ever! It feels amazing to be able to daydream about her while those little arms and legs kick me nearly around the clock. I try to imagine who she would have looked like had she been a typical healthy baby. Would she be a member of the blue eyed club like my boys and I or have those beautiful hazels like her daddy and sister? Would she have a full head of hair like her siblings? Would she have a calm temperament or be grumpy like her big sister? Who would she grow to be? I'll always have to imagine how she would have looked as the years go by. Here I am thinking about the future when we haven't even brought her into the world yet, but doing so brings so much comfort.

I've been preparing for our goodbyes long before we will need to say them. It should probably be really tough for me to think about all of these things, especially during the holidays and especially while following the pregnancies of my friends. It should be hard for me to get out of bed and face each day knowing with each turn of the calendar, we are closer to the inevitable. And yet I find myself so very thankful for the opportunity to be a mother again. I had thought another pregnancy was unlikely and I was feeling so much sorrow over the process of trying and never succeeding at getting pregnant again. I know that Imogen will not live for very long and although that is definitely a blow to my spirit, I know her life is a gift. She has allowed me to experience another pregnancy and another chance at motherhood. She is still my sweet little girl and will always remain a significant part of my life. How can I not be thankful for such a gift?