I have been easing into my fitness routine and I am making an effort to be more active. Hashimoto's Disease can wipe a person's energy out and that was the case for me before my last pregnancy. So starting two weeks postpartum, I began walking a couple of times a week. I try to walk at least three times a week now but I know I need to step it up, not just for my body, but for my soul. Even when it is difficult to get out of bed, I find great relief in getting outside before the sun comes up and breathing in the new day's crisp air. And, I may have committed to my first 5 k in over a year. Sure, it isn't a long distance, but it may be just what I need to keep myself motivated.
I have slowly but steadily continued to lose weight. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant and with a bastardly thyroid, it seems darn near impossible to keep my weight below 160. I am not going to be obsessed with losing a ton of weight as I have learned to love my body and the extra skin that reminds me I have birthed four beautiful children. However, I do want to maintain my health and would feel better physically if I could lose more weight. My pregnancy complications with Immy, lead me to gain a little over 30 lbs. (mostly excess amniotic fluid) and thanks to sweet baby Jesus, I ended up losing 30 lbs. two weeks after she was born (20 in the first week). But now I need to push myself a little harder and teach myself to LOVE exercise. And I know the biggest challenge is getting out the door everyday. I don't want to take time away from my family but I am realizing that a few times a week, a few hours, that is time I need to spend working on me. And even though it is to benefit my body, it also greatly lift my spirits. Turning up the music in my headphones, focusing on the little signs nature gives me, I am able to reflect on my life and my ups and downs, and I come out feeling like I had a therapy session. It is truly amazing what getting outside can do! So, here I go! Starting tonight, I am going to try to run more than walk, do more yoga at home, and make a little more time for me.
I'll keep you posted!
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Motherhood
In February I celebrated a milestone. Well, actually we celebrated my oldest son's 16th birthday but I'm pretty sure the birthdays we celebrate for our children are as much for us as they are for them.
Just the fact that I have been someone's mother for 16 years is mind boggling! I was 19 when I became pregnant with him and turned 20 shortly before he was born. I look back at those early years with pride and also with amazement because single motherhood is not for the weak. I could not have survived without the support of my family but I think I did a darn good job raising him.
After coming to terms with the reality that my firstborn is two years away from adulthood (yikes!), I started thinking about what kind of mother I am. I look back at all of my years being a mother and pray that nothing I did (or didn't) do has screwed any of my children up. I know this is a normal reaction for a lot of moms. We worry we did something wrong or overlooked something we should have done. It pretty much never ends - the internal judgement of our own mothering. But I try to be gentle with myself.
No one has the perfect formula for parenting and no one way of parenting is the right one. As for me, I find myself evolving, and after losing Imogen, I think this evolution of my own personal journey of motherhood is a good thing. I try to be more patient with my little ones. I have learned to choose battles and let the small or irrelevant stuff go. I have become more in-tune with finding what brings the best out of my children. I find that I choose my words carefully and pay attention to my actions so much more than before Imogen. She is still making her mark in my mothering. I think that is an amazing thing! Her whole little life carved out a new perspective for me and how I look at my other children, making me even more aware of the love I have for each of them. And when I am scared of what lies ahead, I find myself thinking of the hardest day of my life - losing my precious baby, and I am very certain that I would welcome another life into this family without hesitation. Knowing that we don't always get what we want and understanding that life may hold other plans, I can only hope I do get that chance again.
"Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."
- Donna Ball
Just the fact that I have been someone's mother for 16 years is mind boggling! I was 19 when I became pregnant with him and turned 20 shortly before he was born. I look back at those early years with pride and also with amazement because single motherhood is not for the weak. I could not have survived without the support of my family but I think I did a darn good job raising him.
After coming to terms with the reality that my firstborn is two years away from adulthood (yikes!), I started thinking about what kind of mother I am. I look back at all of my years being a mother and pray that nothing I did (or didn't) do has screwed any of my children up. I know this is a normal reaction for a lot of moms. We worry we did something wrong or overlooked something we should have done. It pretty much never ends - the internal judgement of our own mothering. But I try to be gentle with myself.
No one has the perfect formula for parenting and no one way of parenting is the right one. As for me, I find myself evolving, and after losing Imogen, I think this evolution of my own personal journey of motherhood is a good thing. I try to be more patient with my little ones. I have learned to choose battles and let the small or irrelevant stuff go. I have become more in-tune with finding what brings the best out of my children. I find that I choose my words carefully and pay attention to my actions so much more than before Imogen. She is still making her mark in my mothering. I think that is an amazing thing! Her whole little life carved out a new perspective for me and how I look at my other children, making me even more aware of the love I have for each of them. And when I am scared of what lies ahead, I find myself thinking of the hardest day of my life - losing my precious baby, and I am very certain that I would welcome another life into this family without hesitation. Knowing that we don't always get what we want and understanding that life may hold other plans, I can only hope I do get that chance again.
"Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."
- Donna Ball
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
New Normal
It's Spring. The air is warmer, my garden will be good and planted soon and I will be looking ahead to Summer and have more time to spend at home doing whatever my little heart feels like. I went back to work last week and it was good to be back. This week we are on Spring Break though so I get another week off already. I planned that perfectly didn't I? I have been trying to slowly cross things off of my invisible bucket list while I have time and energy. It is amazing what you can do after losing 30 pounds in three weeks! Lord knows I wasn't doing much during those last few weeks carrying Immy. But now I can get outside and tinker around in my garden and do much needed yard work. I can also stand on tall ladders and clean ceiling fans and rearrange cabinets. Regaining ones balance is a beautiful thing! I also went back to yoga after a year of not doing yoga and I could do enough of the poses to feel like I got a good workout and stretch. I have also been getting a good amount of exercise and being very good with my diet.
Of course I think of what I would be doing everyday if Imogen had been a normal healthy baby. I long for what could have been and I ache for my sweet girl to be here. These are feelings I will always feel. My new normal is getting through each day with gratitude and a thankful heart. I want to live each day in honor of the life she couldn't have. I hug my kids tighter, kiss my husband more often and tell myself that the small stuff doesn't matter. I'm learning to let go of parts of me that are no longer useful. I want to always find joy in every simple moment. I want to make more time to see the sun rise and fall. It hasn't been too long since our lives changed forever and I am giving myself plenty of time to heal but I do not want to forget to live in the meantime. Somedays I may just lay in bed and cry and that is okay too but I think Imogen would want me to celebrate her life by living mine to its fullest.
Of course I think of what I would be doing everyday if Imogen had been a normal healthy baby. I long for what could have been and I ache for my sweet girl to be here. These are feelings I will always feel. My new normal is getting through each day with gratitude and a thankful heart. I want to live each day in honor of the life she couldn't have. I hug my kids tighter, kiss my husband more often and tell myself that the small stuff doesn't matter. I'm learning to let go of parts of me that are no longer useful. I want to always find joy in every simple moment. I want to make more time to see the sun rise and fall. It hasn't been too long since our lives changed forever and I am giving myself plenty of time to heal but I do not want to forget to live in the meantime. Somedays I may just lay in bed and cry and that is okay too but I think Imogen would want me to celebrate her life by living mine to its fullest.
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