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Thursday, April 9, 2015

Motherhood

In February I celebrated a milestone. Well, actually we celebrated my oldest son's 16th birthday but I'm pretty sure the birthdays we celebrate for our children are as much for us as they are for them.

Just the fact that I have been someone's mother for 16 years is mind boggling! I was 19 when I became pregnant with him and turned 20 shortly before he was born. I look back at those early years with pride and also with amazement because single motherhood is not for the weak. I could not have survived without the support of my family but I think I did a darn good job raising him.
After coming to terms with the reality that my firstborn is two years away from adulthood (yikes!), I started thinking about what kind of mother I am. I look back at all of my years being a mother and pray that nothing I did (or didn't) do has screwed any of my children up. I know this is a normal reaction for a lot of moms. We worry we did something wrong or overlooked something we should have done. It pretty much never ends - the internal judgement of our own mothering. But I try to be gentle with myself.

No one has the perfect formula for parenting and no one way of parenting is the right one. As for me, I find myself evolving, and after losing Imogen, I think this evolution of my own personal journey of motherhood is a good thing. I try to be more patient with my little ones. I have learned to choose battles and let the small or irrelevant stuff go. I have become more in-tune with finding what brings the best out of my children. I find that I choose my words carefully and pay attention to my actions so much more than before Imogen. She is still making her mark in my mothering. I think that is an amazing thing! Her whole little life carved out a new perspective for me and how I look at my other children, making me even more aware of the love I have for each of them. And when I am scared of what lies ahead, I find myself thinking of the hardest day of my life - losing my precious baby, and I am very certain that I would welcome another life into this family without hesitation. Knowing that we don't always get what we want and understanding that life may hold other plans, I can only hope I do get that chance again.

"Motherhood is a choice you make everyday, to put someone else's happiness and well-being ahead of your own, to teach the hard lessons, to do the right thing even when you're not sure what the right thing is...and to forgive yourself, over and over again, for doing everything wrong."

                                                                                                                                   - Donna Ball 

1 comment:

  1. Hey, there was an artist playing on Pandora who was also named Missy, and I googled your name to see how you were doing (I hope that's not too creepy). I was friends with Chris Page. I'm on Gabapentin for fibromyalgia, and one of the side effects is I have is memory loss, but also sudden remembrances, as well (!!).

    Regardless, that's not why I'm here. I read a couple of your entries, and I want to extend my condolences. I have had a miscarriage, but that doesn't begin to compare to what you're going through. I do, however, follow a lady named Alyssa Quilala on instagram. She suffered a similar loss. Her perspective is honest and candid. I thought it might bring you some comfort. However, I should warn you that she is pregnant again. I'm not sure if that will trigger you. Her url is-
    http://i.instagram.com/alyssaquilala/

    I know I'm just a stranger with misfiring synapses from time to time, but I'll pray for you, and I wish you the best.

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