Imogen

We named our sweet little girl Imogen. She has already stolen many hearts and she has yet to take her first breath. Somehow, the days ahead seem more hopeful than bleak. I try to focus on the good this brings us and the amount of love people are pouring out and giving to us. We are being prayed for steadily and I have no doubt this is why I can get out of bed each morning. The reality of her diagnosis has set in and I am at peace with what lies before us. Yes, it still hurts. My heart is heavy. I feel a little tortured at times knowing several friends and acquaintances are carrying healthy babies and that our due dates are close. I am already preparing mentally for the thoughts I am sure to have when I see pictures of those healthy babies arriving safe and sound into their parent's loving arms. I will have good days and bad days and really, really, really terrible days. I will still laugh and find reasons to be joyful, even when I think about our sweet Imogen. I am still her mother and she is my daughter. She will always be our fourth child. She will always be a huge part of our lives and we will celebrate her life, even if it only lasts for a few moments.

Today, I am nearing my 22nd week of pregnancy. I am terrified about the labor. I have researched all of my birth plan options to deliver her safely. I will soon need to register at the hospital. Soon I will have to pack a hospital bag knowing that I probably won't need anything for my baby in it. I won't need a diaper bag. I won't need a car seat to bring my baby home. I won't need anything really but a nice long break from reality. If I have sleepless nights, it will be from longing to hold my baby. All of these things really sting. It is important for me to face these feelings. When you ask me how I am doing, I will say I am doing well, and I really am doing well. I have made peace with our circumstance and I am still going to cherish this pregnancy and this baby. But I know I don't have to be strong all of the time. It is okay to totally collapse and feel great sadness. I know and accept all of these things.

To help me along, I have started writing notes to Imogen. At some point, I will likely share these with you. I am starting a scrapbook for her and we are buying a keepsake box to hold our memories.
I'm not afraid of this journey because I know I'm not alone.