New Territory

How do you write anything that makes sense when your world turns upside down?
How do you keep breathing when heavy burdens weigh you down?

Unfortunately, this is my territory now and I hate it.

We met our little girl via our 16 week ultrasound last Friday and our joy abruptly turned to sorrow upon learning that she'd never survive very long after birth.
According to our doctor she has anencephaly and did not grow vital parts of her brain and skull.  Otherwise, she looked perfect on that screen. She was dancing and moving so much that I would never have thought anything was wrong, let alone something so fatal.

So  now, our journey has shifted from a joyous 9 months of carrying our little girl to bring her home healthy and happy, to one of only getting to love and snuggle her for mere minutes (maybe longer).

There will be no baby to bring home and that kills me. But I know that however long her life is, she will feel all the love we have to give her. That is why the only choice I could ever make was to continue the pregnancy. I honestly could never purposefully end my own child's life even in grim circumstances. She deserves love for as long as her heart is beating and even long after.

And from this...I was changed by this. Dare I even say that I was changed for the better. That sounds odd and maybe even terrible to some people but truly, I am different in a kinder, stronger way.

Instead of purchasing a layette, crib sheets, cute onesies and baby-proofing the house, we will be planning for her end of life before she even takes her first breath, which pretty much bums me out. Knowing her first day of life will most likely be her last isn't easy to face but I am and I know we will all get through it. The days will be good and bad and everything in between but I know I have love and support.

I will soon be going shopping to find a special keepsake box and baby book. I've also heard of necklaces for keeping some of her ashes in which I will be looking into. I still have to get through about 5 months of carrying her beautiful soul inside of me and there will be days I probably just won't want to get out of bed but I am trying to show my children that we can be sad and strong. We can grieve and find hope in each other. I will treasure every moment she dances inside of my womb, knowing that as long as she is safe inside, she will feel every ounce of my love. Her life, no matter the length, will be celebrated. Her life has meaning. I may not even comprehend what that is yet, but I know it is something deep and wonderful and will make me a better human.

I will try to document most of what I feel here and on my Facebook. It brings me a sense of peace to write about every emotion. Maybe it can even help someone else going through something similar.

It will be a roller coaster watching friends give birth around the same time to healthy sons and daughters but I know that this all has some rhyme and reason. And I am teaching my children a valuable lesson as well. That it is okay to be sad. It is okay to show that side of us. And that being vulnerable isn't a sign of weakness. That isn't to say I am not feeling weak at times. But there is a beautiful sense of strength when you are surrounded by so many who care and genuinely cover you with love and prayers. I have learned so much and still, the learning has probably just begun.