Blank

Sometimes I catch myself staring at nothing for moments at a time, or deep in thought about the chaos that is my life. Sometimes I don't realize I am trapped in my own thoughts about the baby or the days after we have her and come home to face life without her physically in it. Sometimes I even forget I am pregnant (although briefly because have you seen this belly?) but I think that stems from not wanting to bum myself out. I asked a couple weeks ago via Facebook if it would be strange to still shop for my baby? I know she won't need many things but I plan to take thousands of photos and I am wondering if it would be therapeutic to purchase a few outfits. I also don't want to torture myself in the baby aisles of Target.

When we were trying for a baby, I eventually had to stop walking near the baby section because I figured it just wasn't going to happen for us. I know some people think it is terrible to wish for a certain gender but we wanted another girl so badly. Obviously we would have been overjoyed at either having a son or daughter. Now, even though I am actually carrying her, it feels like a cruel joke and I am taunted by the cute little outfits and visions of her meeting all of her first milestones. I dreamt of another little snuggly baby on my chest for so long and just when we finally felt like this was what we had been waiting for, we must face that she will leave us much too soon. To spare my sanity I choose to stay away from the baby section most of the time.

I know I am on my way to better days. This doesn't mean I wish she wasn't conceived because I am so happy to have this little life alive inside of me. It is just really difficult to enjoy and celebrate quite like I want to. It is an honor to give life and be a mother. Her little soul is safe with me and she is loved. I just wish I didn't feel like a blank page, never able to write the first word.