Filed under: Did I Just Post All of That?

I've been carrying these words in my heart for some time. There has been a great debate within my being over whether I should type any of this at all. In the end, the very reason I write is to de-stress and so why wouldn't I write about something heavy on my heart? No emotion is exclusive. I am quite sure this inner struggle I am facing is felt by many women far and wide. So here goes...

This story starts a few years ago. After Remy (now 6) turned 2, we talked about having one more child. It was a brief conversation while we were talking in bed one night. A few weeks later, my husband lost his job and for a couple weeks our financial security was in question. Then, quickly he found a new job but money was tight and so it was decided three children would be it for us. And I was perfectly happy with that decision for years. I was looking forward to all that awesome sleep I would get from here on out and we slowly sold or gave away all of our baby things. That made it final in my book. No more baby clothes, strollers, car seats, blankets, etc... But then last June, I got this crazy feeling in my heart. I was at a friend's baby shower. I've been to so many baby showers and never has being at one made me feel so passionate about adding to our family. In fact, usually I am the one at baby showers offering all of my wisdom and in the back of my mind celebrating that I made it through early childhood unscathed. So when I had these strong urges for a baby, I casually mentioned to my husband and he shared many thoughts with me on the subject. One of them being that he was willing to think about it. I think I gave him all of five minutes (or maybe ten) but right there it was decided we would make a plan and try for baby number 4 when we thought it was the right time.

In my experience with trying to conceive, I have always been pregnant within a month or two. I've never had to agonize for months over questions of why aren't we getting pregnant? I realize now how lucky we were to conceive quickly. We only had one early miscarriage and even after that incident we were pregnant the next month. I am very impatient. This does not bode well for couples trying to get pregnant. So for the past four months we have been trying and... nothing. It is severely depressing for a couple days and then I get hopeful again and await the next opportunity. I have been so humbled my this experience. I am not sure when or even if it will happen for us but I am not ready to give up yet. Statistically, time is still on our side. I am 34, in fairly good health and eating a balanced diet. I just don't understand how couples who are doing everything right can have such a difficult time trying to conceive.

Now I have entered strange territory as I begin charting my temperatures and other things I'd prefer not to mention. I always thought that having a baby was pretty simple.
Step 1. Have sex. Repeat as necessary.

So I am going through these emotions and at the same time, feeling completely terrible for friends I know who have never been able to conceive once. I am so grateful for my beautiful children and I realize that I have been blessed. I still continue to say prayers for those friends and I will not forget their struggles. I'm not sure how this will end for us. It could be several more months before we succeed or it could just not be in the cards. I'm trying to stay focused on the happy stuff. I may update to this post in a few months. Maybe I can start joking about it soon to keep my sanity. Either way, I couldn't leave this very important part of my life tucked away.