Thoughts From Mother's Day

Last year, Mother's day was so very hard for me. I had desperately been trying to get pregnant for close to a year and a half. I was sure it wasn't going to ever happen. I told myself every month that it was better to forget about another baby. I tried convincing myself of all of the things I could now do with older children. Sleep! I can sleep in on weekends and aside from illness, my kids sleep through the night and that means I do too! But I couldn't sweep the desire for another baby away even with the best convincing argument. I didn't realize last Mother's Day that I was about to conceive my sweet Imogen and I had no idea I would be celebrating the next Mother's Day with empty arms. But here I am. I am so sad that she isn't here but I am grateful for the other three who I do get to hold in my arms today. Motherhood is an adventure. I hope I never take any part of this adventure for granted. I hope my children always know that I would never trade any of this for my previous waistline or for more money in my bank account. This right here is what I love. The laughter, the tears, the arguments, the joy...every second has something for me to learn and grow from. It is hard to be a Mother, but the joy cancels out the pain and I am always left in awe that I gave life to these souls.

Today will be hard because Imogen isn't here with us. But she is in my heart and that keeps me feeling full and hopeful. It is safe to say that I learned the most about motherhood from her. Her life, although much too short, made me understand so much more about how we show love to others.  The only thing I could do for Immy was love her. I couldn't change her prognosis, but I could welcome her into our hearts and hold her close until her little body was ready to let go. I am still amazed that she was alive on my chest for 34 minutes. I really thought she wouldn't survive birth but my prayers were always that we would get some time with her before she passed. I really focused on spending those 34 minutes making sure she could feel the warmth from my body and cuddling her tiny body. It will probably be some of the most important 34 minutes of my life and I am okay with that. Imogen made me the mother of four, which is what I had wanted. This Mother's Day is so different than any I have experienced, but I still have joy. I still thank God I have a heart full of love for all of my children. They make me better and stronger and love more deeply than I ever thought I could.