Winter finally arrived and I couldn't be more relieved. I crave the gloomy, foggy, cloudy weather much like most people prefer the sunshine. Unlike a majority of people in the Winter months, I get depressed during the Summer. And even though this Winter I have a lot of things to be depressed about, I am doing pretty well. These last few months have been hard and a few times I felt like everything was caving in but I also begin again each day with a new perspective. I try to keep everything I am truly thankful for close to my heart and it helps get me through the tough days where I want nothing more than to feel sorry for myself. I won't though. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle (as they say) and although this battle seems pretty lame in comparison to say...someone who can't find their other sock, it is my battle. I have to face it either way so I may as well face it head on. For me, that is accepting Imogen will die much too soon. I know even if I feel I am prepared for that day, I won't be. Even though I have been in a state of grief since September, I haven't even felt an ounce of the grief I'll feel letting her go. To cope and to look ahead I am trying to compile a bucket-list for myself in 2015.
So far:
1. Focus on my health- Excuses are for suckers. I'm going to get myself out of bed and make time for me and really try to eliminate a lot of sugar from my diet. This one is always hard but I think I can do it.
*Of course right after baby comes, I will probably indulge in a margarita or five... Maybe a few trips to Dewars because hello?
2. Train for a 10k. I've done 5k's and I know it will be a good way to rid myself of stress. It would also be a great distraction to sign up for a few fun runs in and out of town. Trip to Ventura anyone?
3. Get away with the family. After we come home without baby, I think it will do me good to surround myself with my children and husband and just be...together. A trip to the ocean always makes my soul sing.
4. Finally find the words to write a song for Immy. I just don't think I can do this now. Words don't quite come out like I want. Plus, I haven't held her in my arms yet and I have a feeling those embraces will inspire me like nothing else could.
This is where I am so far. I will add to this list as time goes by. We are looking at about 8-10 weeks until we meet Imogen, unless something happens to bring her here sooner. I know those weeks will go by fast. I am getting nervous for labor and delivery. I'm praying she isn't stillborn. I'm lost in a million thoughts about the day she is born. I know it will be such a hard day. Although I am trying to plan for the pain of it all, I have a feeling I can't even begin to scratch the surface of how we will feel meeting and then ultimately losing her. I have been putting off writing a birth plan and registering at the hospital because I am not sure how I can get through walking the same halls where I gave birth to two of my other children, knowing this birth will be so completely different. I'm afraid of the chaos in my mind as I deliver, knowing that my baby isn't healthy or compatible for life. It will be hard. So right now I am savoring my favorite weather, the time with family at Christmas and soaking up every ounce of joy I can between now and the day we see our baby.
