Blank

Sometimes I catch myself staring at nothing for moments at a time, or deep in thought about the chaos that is my life. Sometimes I don't realize I am trapped in my own thoughts about the baby or the days after we have her and come home to face life without her physically in it. Sometimes I even forget I am pregnant (although briefly because have you seen this belly?) but I think that stems from not wanting to bum myself out. I asked a couple weeks ago via Facebook if it would be strange to still shop for my baby? I know she won't need many things but I plan to take thousands of photos and I am wondering if it would be therapeutic to purchase a few outfits. I also don't want to torture myself in the baby aisles of Target.

When we were trying for a baby, I eventually had to stop walking near the baby section because I figured it just wasn't going to happen for us. I know some people think it is terrible to wish for a certain gender but we wanted another girl so badly. Obviously we would have been overjoyed at either having a son or daughter. Now, even though I am actually carrying her, it feels like a cruel joke and I am taunted by the cute little outfits and visions of her meeting all of her first milestones. I dreamt of another little snuggly baby on my chest for so long and just when we finally felt like this was what we had been waiting for, we must face that she will leave us much too soon. To spare my sanity I choose to stay away from the baby section most of the time.

I know I am on my way to better days. This doesn't mean I wish she wasn't conceived because I am so happy to have this little life alive inside of me. It is just really difficult to enjoy and celebrate quite like I want to. It is an honor to give life and be a mother. Her little soul is safe with me and she is loved. I just wish I didn't feel like a blank page, never able to write the first word.

Imogen

We named our sweet little girl Imogen. She has already stolen many hearts and she has yet to take her first breath. Somehow, the days ahead seem more hopeful than bleak. I try to focus on the good this brings us and the amount of love people are pouring out and giving to us. We are being prayed for steadily and I have no doubt this is why I can get out of bed each morning. The reality of her diagnosis has set in and I am at peace with what lies before us. Yes, it still hurts. My heart is heavy. I feel a little tortured at times knowing several friends and acquaintances are carrying healthy babies and that our due dates are close. I am already preparing mentally for the thoughts I am sure to have when I see pictures of those healthy babies arriving safe and sound into their parent's loving arms. I will have good days and bad days and really, really, really terrible days. I will still laugh and find reasons to be joyful, even when I think about our sweet Imogen. I am still her mother and she is my daughter. She will always be our fourth child. She will always be a huge part of our lives and we will celebrate her life, even if it only lasts for a few moments.

Today, I am nearing my 22nd week of pregnancy. I am terrified about the labor. I have researched all of my birth plan options to deliver her safely. I will soon need to register at the hospital. Soon I will have to pack a hospital bag knowing that I probably won't need anything for my baby in it. I won't need a diaper bag. I won't need a car seat to bring my baby home. I won't need anything really but a nice long break from reality. If I have sleepless nights, it will be from longing to hold my baby. All of these things really sting. It is important for me to face these feelings. When you ask me how I am doing, I will say I am doing well, and I really am doing well. I have made peace with our circumstance and I am still going to cherish this pregnancy and this baby. But I know I don't have to be strong all of the time. It is okay to totally collapse and feel great sadness. I know and accept all of these things.

To help me along, I have started writing notes to Imogen. At some point, I will likely share these with you. I am starting a scrapbook for her and we are buying a keepsake box to hold our memories.
I'm not afraid of this journey because I know I'm not alone.

New Territory

How do you write anything that makes sense when your world turns upside down?
How do you keep breathing when heavy burdens weigh you down?

Unfortunately, this is my territory now and I hate it.

We met our little girl via our 16 week ultrasound last Friday and our joy abruptly turned to sorrow upon learning that she'd never survive very long after birth.
According to our doctor she has anencephaly and did not grow vital parts of her brain and skull.  Otherwise, she looked perfect on that screen. She was dancing and moving so much that I would never have thought anything was wrong, let alone something so fatal.

So  now, our journey has shifted from a joyous 9 months of carrying our little girl to bring her home healthy and happy, to one of only getting to love and snuggle her for mere minutes (maybe longer).

There will be no baby to bring home and that kills me. But I know that however long her life is, she will feel all the love we have to give her. That is why the only choice I could ever make was to continue the pregnancy. I honestly could never purposefully end my own child's life even in grim circumstances. She deserves love for as long as her heart is beating and even long after.

And from this...I was changed by this. Dare I even say that I was changed for the better. That sounds odd and maybe even terrible to some people but truly, I am different in a kinder, stronger way.

Instead of purchasing a layette, crib sheets, cute onesies and baby-proofing the house, we will be planning for her end of life before she even takes her first breath, which pretty much bums me out. Knowing her first day of life will most likely be her last isn't easy to face but I am and I know we will all get through it. The days will be good and bad and everything in between but I know I have love and support.

I will soon be going shopping to find a special keepsake box and baby book. I've also heard of necklaces for keeping some of her ashes in which I will be looking into. I still have to get through about 5 months of carrying her beautiful soul inside of me and there will be days I probably just won't want to get out of bed but I am trying to show my children that we can be sad and strong. We can grieve and find hope in each other. I will treasure every moment she dances inside of my womb, knowing that as long as she is safe inside, she will feel every ounce of my love. Her life, no matter the length, will be celebrated. Her life has meaning. I may not even comprehend what that is yet, but I know it is something deep and wonderful and will make me a better human.

I will try to document most of what I feel here and on my Facebook. It brings me a sense of peace to write about every emotion. Maybe it can even help someone else going through something similar.

It will be a roller coaster watching friends give birth around the same time to healthy sons and daughters but I know that this all has some rhyme and reason. And I am teaching my children a valuable lesson as well. That it is okay to be sad. It is okay to show that side of us. And that being vulnerable isn't a sign of weakness. That isn't to say I am not feeling weak at times. But there is a beautiful sense of strength when you are surrounded by so many who care and genuinely cover you with love and prayers. I have learned so much and still, the learning has probably just begun.

Two out of three...

School started last month. The first day went smashingly and things seemed perfectly normal. Everyone was excited about starting a new school year and I was happy to be back at work. The second day was quite a different one. Remy was sent home sick and we assumed it was the flu. He was pale and didn't want to do much of anything. The following day I missed work to stay home with him and noticed some odd symptoms, including severe pain in his abdomen. I suspected appendicitis and hoped I was wrong. Turns out, I have pretty good intuition and we headed to the hospital with a note from our doctor. Remy had an appendectomy later that day. He spent another day in recovery and we were sent home. He had to miss two weeks of school and as soon as he returned to school we learned Phoenix would need his tonsils out as soon as possible. Oh boy!

So a week later surgery took place and another recovery began. It was hard to watch him go through such pain but with the shape his tonsils were in, it was really the only option. He had been so sick the last three years and those darn tonsils were very infected. The doctor was surprised he hadn't had them out sooner. I just wanted everyone under my roof to be healthy again.

Now both boys are back in school (as of today), and I am crossing my fingers and toes that the worst is over. I would like to avoid any further medical emergencies for the time being because pregnancy and stress do not mix! There was a moment where I had to laugh just to avoid crying the weekend before the tonsillectomy because Mazzy came down with a mysterious case of hives. After a few days they were gone but really? I almost thought we were going three for three.

And in lighter news... We may be finding out the baby's sex next week.
I am just under 16 weeks and although I am not quite halfway through this pregnancy, I know it will fly by. Maybe I will post some belly shots from my Instagram next time. I really look more like 5 or 6 months pregnant but if you know me, you know that is what usually happens. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am treasuring every second of this pregnancy!

Summer shock

I've been quiet here. Not on purpose, because I've been busy. And not by accident because I wasn't sure what to write. But now I think I can muster up something to explain my absence.

We went on a lovely vacation to Oregon, Chico, CA (and a small part of Washington). It was a wonderful visit with friends and with my husband's family and we didn't want to come home. "Oregon is my jam" was a phrase I wrote on one of my instagram pics and I wasn't lying. But I was very tired on the trip and happily snuggled into my own bed upon our arrival home.

When we were planning our trip, I was eager to get out of town and out of my funk. For months I have been slipping into a semi-depression and I just wanted some new scenery. But a few weeks before we were going to leave I found out some rather shocking news. I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant and completely shocked, even if we had been trying. I was hanging out with my kids at a cafe while my husband was out of town for a job and something told me to buy a pregnancy test. I had zero symptoms and was only one day late. I didn't even want to waste the energy it would take to drive to the store and buy one but I was compelled by the strange feeling in my gut. I did buy one and waited a couple of hours before testing. Not expecting anything other than that one sad little pink line, I turned away for a minute and then stared back at the test not really believing what I was seeing. In the last 16 months I had only tested a few times. At that point I hadn't tested in months. In that one moment I teared up and called my husband, who probably thought I was crazy.
I was excited and thankful and exhilarated but also very nervous and worried.

And here I am at nearly 12 weeks still very much thankful and very full of joy. So far the pregnancy has been pretty easy. Not too sick, just tired and the biggest problem is that I am eating like a teenager (okay, not quite that bad) but wanting to eat all day. Too bad I'm not craving spinach smoothies...

So there you have it. I had a pleasant shock in late June and I am still on cloud 9.
Baby is due in early March. Baby had a strong heartbeat a month ago and we are hoping to hear more of that beautiful sound tomorrow morning. Thanks to everyone who has sent me good thoughts and/or prayers these last few months. It means so much.

Summer Love

I wanted to share a few of my favorite things... (at least currently speaking).

First, since it is Summer, I will start with this adorable swimsuit I bought for Mazzy:

Go to Rey Swimwear and check out their very cute, vintage inspired collection.



Last Summer I left one of my pairs of glasses in my hot car for too long and the lenses warped. Super sad about that! I have yet to replace the lenses but plan to. In the mean time, I found these:

I already own a pair of the same brand and absolutely love them! And dealing with Coastal has been nothing but great! We ordered a pair for my son and they didn't fit quite right, so we ordered a new pair, get free shipping to return the ones we don't want and I will get refunded in a couple of weeks. It was a very easy and stress free process! And by the way- your first pair is free! Just type in the code: FIRSTPAIRFREE at checkout. You pay shipping and handling but that's it!


Wild Poppy Juice is something new I discovered at one of our local health food stores. I've only tried the Peppermint Lemonade and Blood Orange Chili, but they have a couple of other flavors that sound equally tasty! A definite new favorite beverage!

And since we are talking about beverages and things that are good in the Summer, I can't forget to mention the ice cream maker I bought.

It is my first and after only using it once, I am officially hooked on homemade ice cream! I bought my ice cream maker on Amazon. The brand is Nostalgia Electrics. 

And this is what bliss in a bowl looks like:

Last but not least, I have been very pleased with the dresses and skirts I have ordered through Eshakti. They can even make their clothing to your custom measurements for a small fee, as well as change sleeve style and skirt length and my favorite thing is that the dresses (and skirts) come with pockets!

I don't have a picture to share just yet but I have ordered from them three times now. I am very happy with everything I have ordered and will definitely order again in the future. Check out their site and see all of the vintage inspired dresses, skirts and tops for yourself.


Well, there is my little list of Summer favorites! I'd love to hear and see what some of your favorite things are!

The inevitable Santa question...

A few nights ago the unthinkable happened. My daughter and I were driving to her play rehearsal, when she calmly asked me if Santa Claus was a real person.

I died right there.

I knew it was time to spill the beans and it honestly made me sad. When you are old enough to know the truth about Santa, you pretty much start the crazy decent into adulthood right then and there. Okay, not really, I'm being dramatic. But still, knowing takes some of the fun out of the Holidays and I am not ready for that!

I should have seen this coming when she asked me a few months ago if the tooth fairy was real. She laughed when I told her and she thought it was awfully kind of us to give her money for losing her teeth. She also understands the importance of not ruining it for other children. She insists on helping me with the Elf on the Shelf next Christmas. She does not want Remy to know Santa isn't real.

I don't think I'll ever stop giving Santa the credit for all of those wonderful presents, because the magic is the best part.