Exercise for the soul...

I have been easing into my fitness routine and I am making an effort to be more active. Hashimoto's Disease can wipe a person's energy out and that was the case for me before my last pregnancy. So starting two weeks postpartum, I began walking a couple of times a week. I try to walk at least three times a week now but I know I need to step it up, not just for my body, but for my soul. Even when it is difficult to get out of bed, I find great relief in getting outside before the sun comes up and breathing in the new day's crisp air. And, I may have committed to my first 5 k in over a year. Sure, it isn't a long distance, but it may be just what I need to keep myself motivated.

I have slowly but steadily continued to lose weight. I needed to lose weight before I got pregnant and with a bastardly thyroid, it seems darn near impossible to keep my weight below 160. I am not going to be obsessed with losing a ton of weight as I have learned to love my body and the extra skin that reminds me I have birthed four beautiful children. However, I do want to maintain my health and would feel better physically if I could lose more weight. My pregnancy complications with Immy, lead me to gain a little over 30 lbs. (mostly excess amniotic fluid) and thanks to sweet baby Jesus, I ended up losing 30 lbs. two weeks after she was born (20 in the first week). But now I need to push myself a little harder and teach myself to LOVE exercise. And I know the biggest challenge is getting out the door everyday. I don't want to take time away from my family but I am realizing that a few times a week, a few hours, that is time I need to spend working on me. And even though it is to benefit my body, it also greatly lift my spirits. Turning up the music in my headphones, focusing on the little signs nature gives me, I am able to reflect on my life and my ups and downs, and I come out feeling like I had a therapy session. It is truly amazing what getting outside can do! So, here I go! Starting tonight, I am going to try to run more than walk, do more yoga at home, and make a little more time for me.
I'll keep you posted!

New Normal

It's Spring. The air is warmer, my garden will be good and planted soon and I will be looking ahead to Summer and have more time to spend at home doing whatever my little heart feels like. I went back to work last week and it was good to be back. This week we are on Spring Break though so I get another week off already. I planned that perfectly didn't I? I have been trying to slowly cross things off of my invisible bucket list while I have time and energy. It is amazing what you can do after losing 30 pounds in three weeks! Lord knows I wasn't doing much during those last few weeks carrying Immy. But now I can get outside and tinker around in my garden and do much needed yard work. I can also stand on tall ladders and clean ceiling fans and rearrange cabinets. Regaining ones balance is a beautiful thing! I also went back to yoga after a year of not doing yoga and I could do enough of the poses to feel like I got a good workout and stretch. I have also been getting a good amount of exercise and being very good with my diet.

Of course I think of what I would be doing everyday if Imogen had been a normal healthy baby. I long for what could have been and I ache for my sweet girl to be here. These are feelings I will always feel. My new normal is getting through each day with gratitude and a thankful heart. I want to live each day in honor of the life she couldn't have. I hug my kids tighter, kiss my husband more often and tell myself that the small stuff doesn't matter. I'm learning to let go of parts of me that are no longer useful. I want to always find joy in every simple moment. I want to make more time to see the sun rise and fall. It hasn't been too long since our lives changed forever and I am giving myself plenty of time to heal but I do not want to forget to live in the meantime. Somedays I may just lay in bed and cry and that is okay too but I think Imogen would want me to celebrate her life by living mine to its fullest.

Until we meet again...

We welcomed Imogen Violet into the world on February 9th at 1:39 a.m. Her body held on for about 34 minutes before she quietly passed away on my chest. Those 34 minutes were some of the most beautiful minutes I will ever know. My prayers that she would be born alive had been answered and I will always be grateful. It has been two weeks since we had to let her go and I think I am finally able to write down my thoughts about her birth, the long labor and how my heart is.

We knew we were being induced because of the high levels of amniotic fluid. I had gained roughly 30 pounds during the 37 weeks I carried her but about 80% of that or more was the weight of the amniotic fluid. I had been unable to walk for more than a small distance for weeks, couldn't sleep longer than a two hour stretch on my couch and was just plain miserable for weeks leading up to induction. I felt guilty for even wanting to be induced because I knew I was her lifeline and her birth meant her days were even more numbered. I really struggled with this. Ultimately I knew we were ready to face reality and I needed to make sure my health wasn't at risk. We went into the hospital on a Thursday evening. I knew an induction could take a long time or even cause complications but I was hopeful that wouldn't be the case with our labor and birth.

After determining I was not physically ready to deliver anytime soon, they used meds to ripen my cervix so I could start pitocin (the next day) and hopefully put my body into labor. This medicine worked pretty well and actually made me feel like I was in labor and for 12 + hours I was having hard and steady contractions. Unfortunately my body has a sensitivity to these meds and the contractions were too close to start pitocin. One of the concerns with a pregnancy like mine is the access amniotic fluid. My uterus was already stretched to capacity with the amount of fluid. That can cause very strong contractions that in rare situations leads to uterine rupture or a detached placenta. Both of these things could cause me harm. Those two outcomes were always in the back of my mind as I labored. It was a new experience for me as my other labors are relatively quick and uncomplicated. I was stressed out by the whole process by the end of Friday when labor stalled and nothing seemed to be happening. Saturday they unhooked me from the IV and allowed me to roam around and labor without being tied to the bed. I was able to get a lot of contractions going again and was hopeful. Later that afternoon though when we tried pitocin, it made my uterus contract violently and there continued to be no change in dilation. Overwhelmed and disappointed were thoughts that came to mind that afternoon. I was mentally and physically exhausted and I was starting to feel depressed.

When I awoke on Sunday (as if I really had gotten any sleep), we met with the doctor on call. Around 9 a.m. that doctor (who was very kind and calm) broke my water. It seems that I had dilated to 3 at some point after those three days of laboring off and on. When he broke my water you could see my belly deflate like a balloon. The fluid flooded the entire bed and some of the floor. If I could have captured the doctor's reaction to the amount of fluid you would maybe understand how those few minutes felt. I experienced immediate relief of the weight that I had been carrying around but I also felt guilty that the baby was now being forced out. Once my water broke, I knew time was literally ticking away and it wouldn't be very much longer.  It is a little bit of a blur but I believe we tried pitocin once again and it sent me into violent contractions again. I starting losing blood and releasing clots. There was concern that my placenta was partially detached and each strong contraction could make it worse. They took me back off of pitocin. This is where I started getting emotional and cried. None of this journey was fair and now I'm having a complicated labor? I was getting angry and losing hope. I hated feeling so helpless especially knowing on top of everything else, my baby was going to die. I had to fight a battle in my own head just to stay at peace. At some point in the day the dreaded C-section conversation started and words like epidural (which I have never had) started coming up. Thanks to good advice and an open mind (and complete exhaustion), I said yes to the epidural. My body had a scary reaction to it so he removed it and placed it again in a different spot. I was too exhausted to even be scared. I just let it all happen and knew it wasn't in my hands. I felt a sense of peace I hadn't felt in a few days and it came just at the right time. The epidural relaxed my body to the point of letting me dilate to 6 by that evening. I remember hearing the news and then I knew a C-section was probably not going to happen, which lifted my spirits even more. We watched The Walking Dead and then I dozed off for a bit. My poor husband was probably more exhausted than I was. Neither of us had to ever spend this much time in a hospital room. We were ready to be home. After a couple of hours of sleep I awoke to strange feelings and asked the nurse to check on my progress. At around 1:15 a.m. I was finally ready to push so we called our family, a photographer (and friend) and after a few pushes Immy entered the world and was put right on my chest.

We marveled over her resemblance to Mazzy. She looked almost identical minus the obvious physical deformities. She never really took full breaths and her heart continued beating for 34 minutes. There is no doubt she didn't suffer for a minute and was so peaceful as she stayed close to my heart. She was 3 lbs. 14 ounces and almost 17 inches long. She had a few wisps of dark black hair near her neck and perfect little hands and feet. Our family was able to hold and snuggle her and I will always feel that her life in its simplicity and briefness was breathtaking to witness. Looking back, I have so many thoughts. She impacted us in a mighty way and I will never again be the person I once was...

I wrote this to her in my journal:

Imogen,

We may not get to experience the joy of bringing you home, but your spirit will always fill it.

You have taught us what unconditional love is, what it feels like and how to give it freely. Our ability to love has increased. We will never be who we once were. Your brief life has left an eternal mark on us. 

You only knew love and loved you are. With everything in me you are loved. 



Imogen taught me to love even when loss was imminent and even if disappointment was the end result. She showed me how her life mattered even if it was not lived for very long on this earth. She connected me with feelings I've never felt before. She filled in the cracks of my faith. My pregnancy was filled with both beauty and pain. And it was through this experience that I can say I understand how beautiful God's love is. I loved Imogen without condition and knowing she would never thrive in this life. Her existence was nothing short of love in its purest form and forever I will honor her life with mine.

Thank you Immy for teaching me about love.

Imogen

We named our sweet little girl Imogen. She has already stolen many hearts and she has yet to take her first breath. Somehow, the days ahead seem more hopeful than bleak. I try to focus on the good this brings us and the amount of love people are pouring out and giving to us. We are being prayed for steadily and I have no doubt this is why I can get out of bed each morning. The reality of her diagnosis has set in and I am at peace with what lies before us. Yes, it still hurts. My heart is heavy. I feel a little tortured at times knowing several friends and acquaintances are carrying healthy babies and that our due dates are close. I am already preparing mentally for the thoughts I am sure to have when I see pictures of those healthy babies arriving safe and sound into their parent's loving arms. I will have good days and bad days and really, really, really terrible days. I will still laugh and find reasons to be joyful, even when I think about our sweet Imogen. I am still her mother and she is my daughter. She will always be our fourth child. She will always be a huge part of our lives and we will celebrate her life, even if it only lasts for a few moments.

Today, I am nearing my 22nd week of pregnancy. I am terrified about the labor. I have researched all of my birth plan options to deliver her safely. I will soon need to register at the hospital. Soon I will have to pack a hospital bag knowing that I probably won't need anything for my baby in it. I won't need a diaper bag. I won't need a car seat to bring my baby home. I won't need anything really but a nice long break from reality. If I have sleepless nights, it will be from longing to hold my baby. All of these things really sting. It is important for me to face these feelings. When you ask me how I am doing, I will say I am doing well, and I really am doing well. I have made peace with our circumstance and I am still going to cherish this pregnancy and this baby. But I know I don't have to be strong all of the time. It is okay to totally collapse and feel great sadness. I know and accept all of these things.

To help me along, I have started writing notes to Imogen. At some point, I will likely share these with you. I am starting a scrapbook for her and we are buying a keepsake box to hold our memories.
I'm not afraid of this journey because I know I'm not alone.

Two out of three...

School started last month. The first day went smashingly and things seemed perfectly normal. Everyone was excited about starting a new school year and I was happy to be back at work. The second day was quite a different one. Remy was sent home sick and we assumed it was the flu. He was pale and didn't want to do much of anything. The following day I missed work to stay home with him and noticed some odd symptoms, including severe pain in his abdomen. I suspected appendicitis and hoped I was wrong. Turns out, I have pretty good intuition and we headed to the hospital with a note from our doctor. Remy had an appendectomy later that day. He spent another day in recovery and we were sent home. He had to miss two weeks of school and as soon as he returned to school we learned Phoenix would need his tonsils out as soon as possible. Oh boy!

So a week later surgery took place and another recovery began. It was hard to watch him go through such pain but with the shape his tonsils were in, it was really the only option. He had been so sick the last three years and those darn tonsils were very infected. The doctor was surprised he hadn't had them out sooner. I just wanted everyone under my roof to be healthy again.

Now both boys are back in school (as of today), and I am crossing my fingers and toes that the worst is over. I would like to avoid any further medical emergencies for the time being because pregnancy and stress do not mix! There was a moment where I had to laugh just to avoid crying the weekend before the tonsillectomy because Mazzy came down with a mysterious case of hives. After a few days they were gone but really? I almost thought we were going three for three.

And in lighter news... We may be finding out the baby's sex next week.
I am just under 16 weeks and although I am not quite halfway through this pregnancy, I know it will fly by. Maybe I will post some belly shots from my Instagram next time. I really look more like 5 or 6 months pregnant but if you know me, you know that is what usually happens. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am treasuring every second of this pregnancy!

Summer shock

I've been quiet here. Not on purpose, because I've been busy. And not by accident because I wasn't sure what to write. But now I think I can muster up something to explain my absence.

We went on a lovely vacation to Oregon, Chico, CA (and a small part of Washington). It was a wonderful visit with friends and with my husband's family and we didn't want to come home. "Oregon is my jam" was a phrase I wrote on one of my instagram pics and I wasn't lying. But I was very tired on the trip and happily snuggled into my own bed upon our arrival home.

When we were planning our trip, I was eager to get out of town and out of my funk. For months I have been slipping into a semi-depression and I just wanted some new scenery. But a few weeks before we were going to leave I found out some rather shocking news. I was pregnant.

Yep, pregnant and completely shocked, even if we had been trying. I was hanging out with my kids at a cafe while my husband was out of town for a job and something told me to buy a pregnancy test. I had zero symptoms and was only one day late. I didn't even want to waste the energy it would take to drive to the store and buy one but I was compelled by the strange feeling in my gut. I did buy one and waited a couple of hours before testing. Not expecting anything other than that one sad little pink line, I turned away for a minute and then stared back at the test not really believing what I was seeing. In the last 16 months I had only tested a few times. At that point I hadn't tested in months. In that one moment I teared up and called my husband, who probably thought I was crazy.
I was excited and thankful and exhilarated but also very nervous and worried.

And here I am at nearly 12 weeks still very much thankful and very full of joy. So far the pregnancy has been pretty easy. Not too sick, just tired and the biggest problem is that I am eating like a teenager (okay, not quite that bad) but wanting to eat all day. Too bad I'm not craving spinach smoothies...

So there you have it. I had a pleasant shock in late June and I am still on cloud 9.
Baby is due in early March. Baby had a strong heartbeat a month ago and we are hoping to hear more of that beautiful sound tomorrow morning. Thanks to everyone who has sent me good thoughts and/or prayers these last few months. It means so much.

Summer Love

I wanted to share a few of my favorite things... (at least currently speaking).

First, since it is Summer, I will start with this adorable swimsuit I bought for Mazzy:

Go to Rey Swimwear and check out their very cute, vintage inspired collection.



Last Summer I left one of my pairs of glasses in my hot car for too long and the lenses warped. Super sad about that! I have yet to replace the lenses but plan to. In the mean time, I found these:

I already own a pair of the same brand and absolutely love them! And dealing with Coastal has been nothing but great! We ordered a pair for my son and they didn't fit quite right, so we ordered a new pair, get free shipping to return the ones we don't want and I will get refunded in a couple of weeks. It was a very easy and stress free process! And by the way- your first pair is free! Just type in the code: FIRSTPAIRFREE at checkout. You pay shipping and handling but that's it!


Wild Poppy Juice is something new I discovered at one of our local health food stores. I've only tried the Peppermint Lemonade and Blood Orange Chili, but they have a couple of other flavors that sound equally tasty! A definite new favorite beverage!

And since we are talking about beverages and things that are good in the Summer, I can't forget to mention the ice cream maker I bought.

It is my first and after only using it once, I am officially hooked on homemade ice cream! I bought my ice cream maker on Amazon. The brand is Nostalgia Electrics. 

And this is what bliss in a bowl looks like:

Last but not least, I have been very pleased with the dresses and skirts I have ordered through Eshakti. They can even make their clothing to your custom measurements for a small fee, as well as change sleeve style and skirt length and my favorite thing is that the dresses (and skirts) come with pockets!

I don't have a picture to share just yet but I have ordered from them three times now. I am very happy with everything I have ordered and will definitely order again in the future. Check out their site and see all of the vintage inspired dresses, skirts and tops for yourself.


Well, there is my little list of Summer favorites! I'd love to hear and see what some of your favorite things are!

Summer (not quite) Break...

It is officially our first day of Summer break. That first Monday of doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every minute of freedom we have longed for has arrived! Although I find it funny that anytime I have a break or vacation, my children think it is perfectly acceptable to wake up well before 6:30 am. And for us, vacation usually means big brother has the opportunity to work (for his grandpa), so we are up early driving him where he needs to be. In this case, big brother has Summer School, and it starts at 7:30 am every day but Friday. As you can imagine, sleeping in is not something I'll be doing much of. But it will help me get some things done early out in my garden before it gets too hot, so that is a plus.

I also have glorious plans to exercise approximately 3-4 times a week. This really needs to happen as my thyroid is a big jerk, and refuses to do much of anything. I am hoping to do a spin class once a week (or yoga) or rotate both and add in some running two mornings a week. It all sounds fun, but in order to do these things I must:

a) get out of bed.

b) go to bed at a decent hour.

If I can do those two things, then I got this exercise thing in the bag!

Other fun things I am looking forward to on our Summer break involve a road trip. We are planning a vacation to see family and a friend up in the Pacific Northwest. I have not been to Oregon since I was about three and I love me some trees, so I know I will adore every minute of our trip! We are hoping to make our way up to Seattle to sightsee as well. It will be so much fun! And I am quite sure I will never want to leave once I get there...


In the meantime, M has art camp and a play. My schedule as taxi driver will be full no doubt and somewhere in the midst of it all I must find time for photo sessions, band rehearsals and repainting a bedroom... It'll all get done though. Just hand me a few gallons of espresso (kidding) and put me to work!

I hope you have a great Summer too, filled with adventures and sweet moments galore.

Body Image

I guess it comes with age...
being totally okay with the body I have and learning to be easier on myself. I'm partially attributing this new found appreciation on the weekly yoga classes I've been taking. There is something to be said for tight pants and trying to balance on one foot in front of a bunch of strangers. It sounds much worse than it is. I am learning to be vulnerable. And by being vulnerable, I am also somehow finding peace. Yoga has allowed me to be quiet for 90 minutes and talk things out in my mind. It has been a peaceful albeit sore experience but I am quickly finding it addictive.

Yoga, and hopefully running will help me feel better physically. I am so far from my "goal weight."
I try not to beat myself up over my almost non-existent workout schedule. My feelings of "acceptance" come and go in waves. I probably could get down to my expected weight goal but I would have to give up sugar. Giving up sugar sounds terrible and dangerous (for those who have to live with me). I eat a fairly balanced and healthy diet. I do workout but not as regularly as I know I should. I have a very low functioning thyroid and that makes everything so much more difficult. I have been trying to come to terms with many things in the last few months. But along the way I did something unexpected that made me realize I am starting to be okay with me.

I bought a bathing suit. A bathing suit that doesn't cover every inch of my thighs. Guess what? I don't hate it! This is a new concept for me. I find myself slowly winning the battle over negative body image.
Stretch marks? I'll always have them. They remind me of my beautiful pregnancies and birthing my babies. Cellulite? Yep, I haz it! Guess what? Most people do. I will not let a little (or a lot) of cellulite rain on my parade! This isn't to say I won't try to take better care of me, but taking better care of me includes loving me and finding beauty in myself. There will be no thigh gaps or washboard abs in my future and that is perfectly okay with me. Just don't take away my chocolate.

Or else....

New Year

It is the last day of 2013 and I am right where I feared I'd be. A little sad and a little disappointed. This year didn't take me where I wanted to go. I didn't get to do all of the things I had pinned my hopes on. It was a big, fat disappointing year. Definitely not my first, probably not my last...

But I simply cannot deny that there were some awesome and really beautiful moments in 2013.

I can't fail to acknowledge that above anything else, I have a beautiful family and so many amazingly special friends! I am alive and healthy and so are my children and loved ones! I have a home and food and a car and electricity! I have poetry and songs. I took many memorable photographs and will be able to look back on this year with some fondness and a whole lot of thankfulness in my heart! I also have a new year to look forward to. Even if it is filled with struggles and burdens, I can't let my heart receive anything but the goodness and the joy. 

In 2014, I choose joy.

Pity Party Over!

Okay, okay...
I'm not going to let disappointment rule my life. To help me along this road I have been trying to find some time to focus on me. Of course I'd choose torture...

I've been running. Well, I call it running but it is actually a mixture of walking and running. I've been running 10 miles a week as a goal to start. There happens to be a pretty fun 5k happening right after my birthday so I'm looking forward to that. My favorite time to run is early morning just as the sun is rising. I love sunrises. I just don't usually have any desire to get up when the sun does but that is exactly what I've been doing on a few days a week lately.
It gives me time alone to reflect, recharge, and reassess my goals. I still want a squishy little baby but I am going to learn to be patient and content with all of the many beautiful things in my life right this very moment. I'm such a lucky girl and I certainly have plenty to celebrate!

That doesn't mean I won't feel terribly heartbroken. I guess what has frustrated me about this whole process is that I am healthy and nothing points to a real reason for not conceiving. So, I'm a damned medical mystery! I have been able to see my thyroid doctor and he has put me on a different medication regiment and he feels is should definitely help me. Another waiting game... Because waiting is my absolute favorite.  

...


But onto new things! Holiday things! Music things! Photography things!

October came and went rather quickly. I was able to get behind my camera for a couple of photo shoots. Both went amazingly and I am finding that I am growing in my skills a ton after each session! Of course I am not the greatest photographer around and I don't claim to be, but I do have an eye and I do enjoy capturing simple moments. My first passion will always be music but photography is a close second. Both allow me to be creative and let off steam. And I'm pretty heavy on the steam lately so it is good I have these outlets.

The family is well. My kids are doing great in school and soccer just ended so we have our lives back. No more driving across town four or five days a week! And of course, we are all getting excited for the approaching Holiday season! Big family meals, desserts, reflecting over the year, and coming together to celebrate our blessings, big and small. A little bit of actual cold weather wouldn't hurt either (come on California!!!)

Well, there you have it. I've neglected this post long enough. I promise to try and update often. Hopefully with some fun pictures next time.

Falling back into place...

School has begun for the kids and that means I went back to work as well. Days are once again busy and nights are far too short. Days don't seem to have enough hours and going to bed at a decent hour never seems to happens. Such is the life of a mom I suppose.

A few things have happened since I last blogged. My grandpa passed away a few days after I posted about him. His funeral was nice. Many recalled very fond memories of his kindness and eagerness to pray for anyone who needed it, and those who didn't. I was honored to sing one of his favorite hymns at the service. It was just what I needed to do and it made the day more peaceful for me.

After losing him, it took a few days to get back into the swing of things. Work started and immediately I have been chained to my car or to the kitchen table (helping with homework). I am exhausted and it has only been three full weeks. We have two kids involved in soccer and that is also making a huge dent in our schedule. Even though I can easily find things to complain about, I will choose to embrace these full days. One day when the kids are grown, I'll be begging to be so busy.

Here are some fun photos from the last few weeks...

As you can see from the photos, soccer is taking over our lives. 

I am sure that the next couple of months will fly by quickly and we will all go back to our regular non-soccer lives until next year. In the meantime, I'm officially a soccer mom and it doesn't suck. 

One

This will be a work in progress, but I'm happy to say that this will be home to my new blog!
I mulled over what to do with my previous blog and in the end pushed the delete button with no regrets. The new title reflects some parts of my personality. Lemonade stands for my ability to find happiness even when things seem bleak (making lemonade out of lemons...) and starfish signifies an ability to regenerate when damaged. I found myself holding back often and it came to the point that I was not happy and had pretty much neglected my blog. Sometimes starting over is the only way to get back on track, so here I am.
I'm in the process of defining what this blog will be about and what things I will avoid. I'd like to have some themes that encompass who I am and what I enjoy. Some of those themes will include: my children, music and photography. I do hope you will enjoy what you see here, and please don't be a stranger!