Somewhere between high school and the birth of my second child I discovered my intense love for photography. I had always enjoyed taking pictures, whether it was with a disposable, or my beloved Canon. I find pleasure in collecting various photography related items, and coveting nearly everything on photojojo. I even have lenses for my iPhone!
A few months ago I bought a nano block camera, (as in a tiny camera made out of nano blocks) which takes lo-fi pics and video and I am looking forward to using it a lot this Summer! I find myself in awe of the ease in which we take and share pictures because it was not at all like that when I was a kid. I am a bonafide 80's child through and through. I got a Rainbow Brite doll for my 5th birthday and K-Mart still had blue light specials... That right there folks is proof enough. And during a big chunk of my childhood, we did the polaroid thing. In fact, most of the pictures in our family albums are old polaroids.
So, a few days ago I was browsing the interwebs and set my sights on the Instax Mini 8. The husband graciously allowed me to purchase it and now I am obsessed with all things polaroid! Because, well... polaroid! Sure, it isn't amazing quality, but it is fun and gives me a taste of my childhood in all of its instant camera glory! And, it will allow me to complete a few fun projects in M and R's room, which we plan on repainting and redecorating this Summer. And yes, I will be documenting the room redo!
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Be more colorful.
When my daughter Mazzy was born, she was probably the grumpiest baby I had ever had the pleasure (ha!) of spending time with. Seriously though, I can't convey into words the amount of exhaustion I endured the first few months of her life. She hated baths, diaper changes, being held for too long, tummy time, etc... It was definitely a trying time for me and my husband. I remember having so little sleep I was hallucinating. But we pulled through and I managed to long for another child despite the colic and unrelenting mood swings of my infant.
Fast forward to a 12 month old Mazzy and it was like night and day! She was generally happy and elated at every simple thing she experienced. She was so snuggly and lovable and it almost made up for the previous bipolar baby she had been. And at around 18 months, her language skills exploded into four or five word sentences and words that were two and three syllables were clearly intelligible. It was quite the entertainment! And from that moment on, she has been a very loving and devoted daughter. She has been such an incredibly kind friend to everyone she meets and a wonderful example to myself, that a child's mind is a marvelous place. She constantly reminds me that magic still exists. And if you can't find it, you create it. And that is what she does.
A couple of Summers ago, Mazzy had a small growth removed from her lower cheek/ upper chin area. It was found to be an angioma. Around the same time, we discovered a few spots of lost pigment on her skin. It didn't alarm me but I kept a close watch on it. Within a few weeks, the pigment loss increased and I noticed a symmetrical pattern. In other words, if one spot of lost pigment was on her right arm, it was also in the same spot on her left arm. We went to her doctor and got the official diagnosis. She had vitiligo and there is no cure or any particular reason for her to have it. It could be genetic or just an autoimmune response. I have yet to take her to a dermatologist but that is mostly because at her young age, treatments are limited and I am not sure if the benefit outweighs the risks. We tried a gluten free diet but it didn't seem to make a difference. After reading up on the disease, I am sure we need to get her thyroid checked. I have a thyroid condition and I wouldn't be surprised if she has one as well. As I continue to look for more answers, I always make it a point to help her realize how incredibly beautiful she is. My husband and I are always reminding her that she is absolutely perfect in every way. And on most days she is a very confident young lady. She gets a lot of stares (mostly from adults) and she always handles questions or comments from other children with grace. It wasn't until recently that she started telling us that she "sometimes wished she didn't have vitiligo." Yet she remains positive through it all. So in an effort to further reinforce her amazing and unique beauty, I set out on a fun little photo shoot, just me and my girl, and we captured her true spirit, right before the sun was setting for the day.
My only wish for her and my other two children is to realize they are truly beautiful inside and out. That beauty isn't a size or a hairstyle, or flawlessness. Beauty isn't someone else's definition.
Fast forward to a 12 month old Mazzy and it was like night and day! She was generally happy and elated at every simple thing she experienced. She was so snuggly and lovable and it almost made up for the previous bipolar baby she had been. And at around 18 months, her language skills exploded into four or five word sentences and words that were two and three syllables were clearly intelligible. It was quite the entertainment! And from that moment on, she has been a very loving and devoted daughter. She has been such an incredibly kind friend to everyone she meets and a wonderful example to myself, that a child's mind is a marvelous place. She constantly reminds me that magic still exists. And if you can't find it, you create it. And that is what she does.
A couple of Summers ago, Mazzy had a small growth removed from her lower cheek/ upper chin area. It was found to be an angioma. Around the same time, we discovered a few spots of lost pigment on her skin. It didn't alarm me but I kept a close watch on it. Within a few weeks, the pigment loss increased and I noticed a symmetrical pattern. In other words, if one spot of lost pigment was on her right arm, it was also in the same spot on her left arm. We went to her doctor and got the official diagnosis. She had vitiligo and there is no cure or any particular reason for her to have it. It could be genetic or just an autoimmune response. I have yet to take her to a dermatologist but that is mostly because at her young age, treatments are limited and I am not sure if the benefit outweighs the risks. We tried a gluten free diet but it didn't seem to make a difference. After reading up on the disease, I am sure we need to get her thyroid checked. I have a thyroid condition and I wouldn't be surprised if she has one as well. As I continue to look for more answers, I always make it a point to help her realize how incredibly beautiful she is. My husband and I are always reminding her that she is absolutely perfect in every way. And on most days she is a very confident young lady. She gets a lot of stares (mostly from adults) and she always handles questions or comments from other children with grace. It wasn't until recently that she started telling us that she "sometimes wished she didn't have vitiligo." Yet she remains positive through it all. So in an effort to further reinforce her amazing and unique beauty, I set out on a fun little photo shoot, just me and my girl, and we captured her true spirit, right before the sun was setting for the day.
My only wish for her and my other two children is to realize they are truly beautiful inside and out. That beauty isn't a size or a hairstyle, or flawlessness. Beauty isn't someone else's definition.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Guilt
I've tried to write this post several times over the last few months. And it always gets erased. I cringe at the thought that someone will read this and in turn, know how absolutely wrecked I am (and have been). It is absolutely false that time heals all wounds. Some wounds only get deeper as time passes. If there ever is an end to what I am going through, it seems very distant and that sort of frightens me.
In my mind, I am still struggling with how I am supposed to feel and how others will view my pain.
And if I actually made it a point to be completely honest, would I offend someone?
Clearly in my mind I feel as if my current battle with infertility is insignificant. How can I be such a big whiny baby when I have already brought three healthy children into this world? I have come so close to mentally breaking down and I am realizing most of that has to do with how alone I feel. I know what I need to do most is allow myself to cry and talk through it, but I have no one to really talk to about it. So here it gets written. As if everyone and no one will see it. As if someone will understand or no one will.
This is me, guilty for being sad over my infertility.
I would believe it is just my age keeping me from conceiving, but I can no longer count on my hands how many friends around my age who have just given birth or are about to. I am reading about my thyroid condition and how is can cause a woman to stop ovulating but really? I just stopped cold after years of normal cycles? While I realize my thyroid condition is likely the source of my troubles, why can't I regain control of my levels after months of changing my medication dosage? Why is my body working against me? Why, why why.....
I am also a firm believer of timing. Not my timing but God's. But at 35 I can't really keep thinking optimistically. I can't just keep trying to have a baby at 40. That isn't really what I want to do. So I constantly ask myself why I am even trying after a year of no success and many, MANY tears.
Why am I putting myself through this over and over? Wishing that I could "unfeel" the feelings that lead up to wanting another child. Hoping that something would click and I'd be over this "baby fever."
Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not having more children. I just want to prepare my head and heart for the ultimate disappointment. Then I start listing the pros and cons off in my head. Even if the cons list is longer, I feel an unbearable sadness and then I eat another bowl of ice cream.
This is not how I want to live.
This place in my heart that hurts isn't how I want to feel.
I love my friends who are having miracle babies and long prayed for babies. I am rejoicing with them.
But I need to understand that I am not a bad guy for feeling broken.
In my mind, I am still struggling with how I am supposed to feel and how others will view my pain.
And if I actually made it a point to be completely honest, would I offend someone?
Clearly in my mind I feel as if my current battle with infertility is insignificant. How can I be such a big whiny baby when I have already brought three healthy children into this world? I have come so close to mentally breaking down and I am realizing most of that has to do with how alone I feel. I know what I need to do most is allow myself to cry and talk through it, but I have no one to really talk to about it. So here it gets written. As if everyone and no one will see it. As if someone will understand or no one will.
This is me, guilty for being sad over my infertility.
I would believe it is just my age keeping me from conceiving, but I can no longer count on my hands how many friends around my age who have just given birth or are about to. I am reading about my thyroid condition and how is can cause a woman to stop ovulating but really? I just stopped cold after years of normal cycles? While I realize my thyroid condition is likely the source of my troubles, why can't I regain control of my levels after months of changing my medication dosage? Why is my body working against me? Why, why why.....
I am also a firm believer of timing. Not my timing but God's. But at 35 I can't really keep thinking optimistically. I can't just keep trying to have a baby at 40. That isn't really what I want to do. So I constantly ask myself why I am even trying after a year of no success and many, MANY tears.
Why am I putting myself through this over and over? Wishing that I could "unfeel" the feelings that lead up to wanting another child. Hoping that something would click and I'd be over this "baby fever."
Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not having more children. I just want to prepare my head and heart for the ultimate disappointment. Then I start listing the pros and cons off in my head. Even if the cons list is longer, I feel an unbearable sadness and then I eat another bowl of ice cream.
This is not how I want to live.
This place in my heart that hurts isn't how I want to feel.
I love my friends who are having miracle babies and long prayed for babies. I am rejoicing with them.
But I need to understand that I am not a bad guy for feeling broken.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Body Image
I guess it comes with age...
being totally okay with the body I have and learning to be easier on myself. I'm partially attributing this new found appreciation on the weekly yoga classes I've been taking. There is something to be said for tight pants and trying to balance on one foot in front of a bunch of strangers. It sounds much worse than it is. I am learning to be vulnerable. And by being vulnerable, I am also somehow finding peace. Yoga has allowed me to be quiet for 90 minutes and talk things out in my mind. It has been a peaceful albeit sore experience but I am quickly finding it addictive.
Yoga, and hopefully running will help me feel better physically. I am so far from my "goal weight."
I try not to beat myself up over my almost non-existent workout schedule. My feelings of "acceptance" come and go in waves. I probably could get down to my expected weight goal but I would have to give up sugar. Giving up sugar sounds terrible and dangerous (for those who have to live with me). I eat a fairly balanced and healthy diet. I do workout but not as regularly as I know I should. I have a very low functioning thyroid and that makes everything so much more difficult. I have been trying to come to terms with many things in the last few months. But along the way I did something unexpected that made me realize I am starting to be okay with me.
I bought a bathing suit. A bathing suit that doesn't cover every inch of my thighs. Guess what? I don't hate it! This is a new concept for me. I find myself slowly winning the battle over negative body image.
Stretch marks? I'll always have them. They remind me of my beautiful pregnancies and birthing my babies. Cellulite? Yep, I haz it! Guess what? Most people do. I will not let a little (or a lot) of cellulite rain on my parade! This isn't to say I won't try to take better care of me, but taking better care of me includes loving me and finding beauty in myself. There will be no thigh gaps or washboard abs in my future and that is perfectly okay with me. Just don't take away my chocolate.
Or else....
being totally okay with the body I have and learning to be easier on myself. I'm partially attributing this new found appreciation on the weekly yoga classes I've been taking. There is something to be said for tight pants and trying to balance on one foot in front of a bunch of strangers. It sounds much worse than it is. I am learning to be vulnerable. And by being vulnerable, I am also somehow finding peace. Yoga has allowed me to be quiet for 90 minutes and talk things out in my mind. It has been a peaceful albeit sore experience but I am quickly finding it addictive.
Yoga, and hopefully running will help me feel better physically. I am so far from my "goal weight."
I try not to beat myself up over my almost non-existent workout schedule. My feelings of "acceptance" come and go in waves. I probably could get down to my expected weight goal but I would have to give up sugar. Giving up sugar sounds terrible and dangerous (for those who have to live with me). I eat a fairly balanced and healthy diet. I do workout but not as regularly as I know I should. I have a very low functioning thyroid and that makes everything so much more difficult. I have been trying to come to terms with many things in the last few months. But along the way I did something unexpected that made me realize I am starting to be okay with me.
I bought a bathing suit. A bathing suit that doesn't cover every inch of my thighs. Guess what? I don't hate it! This is a new concept for me. I find myself slowly winning the battle over negative body image.
Stretch marks? I'll always have them. They remind me of my beautiful pregnancies and birthing my babies. Cellulite? Yep, I haz it! Guess what? Most people do. I will not let a little (or a lot) of cellulite rain on my parade! This isn't to say I won't try to take better care of me, but taking better care of me includes loving me and finding beauty in myself. There will be no thigh gaps or washboard abs in my future and that is perfectly okay with me. Just don't take away my chocolate.
Or else....
Monday, February 3, 2014
Playing Catch-up
December through March is what I like to call busy birthday bonanza!
Our little family all has birthdays to celebrate starting in early December with mine and ending late March with my husband's.
December is already plenty busy with holidays and such, so I forgot to post a few photos from Mazzy's birthday. We had a blast roller skating and eating pizza and cupcakes.
Mazzy and her BFF were getting crazy with the party favors. These two are quite a pair. They really have a lot of fun together and have so much in common. It is so good to see Mazzy have a friendship like this.
And here is Remy.
He had his party a couple of weeks later. I'm really good at making Winter babies apparently.
I took tons of photos but these three captured the essence of the fun we had that day.
And now? I'm going to pat myself on the back for writing a post today.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
New Year
It is the last day of 2013 and I am right where I feared I'd be. A little sad and a little disappointed. This year didn't take me where I wanted to go. I didn't get to do all of the things I had pinned my hopes on. It was a big, fat disappointing year. Definitely not my first, probably not my last...
But I simply cannot deny that there were some awesome and really beautiful moments in 2013.
I can't fail to acknowledge that above anything else, I have a beautiful family and so many amazingly special friends! I am alive and healthy and so are my children and loved ones! I have a home and food and a car and electricity! I have poetry and songs. I took many memorable photographs and will be able to look back on this year with some fondness and a whole lot of thankfulness in my heart! I also have a new year to look forward to. Even if it is filled with struggles and burdens, I can't let my heart receive anything but the goodness and the joy.
In 2014, I choose joy.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Pity Party Over!
Okay, okay...
I'm not going to let disappointment rule my life. To help me along this road I have been trying to find some time to focus on me. Of course I'd choose torture...
I've been running. Well, I call it running but it is actually a mixture of walking and running. I've been running 10 miles a week as a goal to start. There happens to be a pretty fun 5k happening right after my birthday so I'm looking forward to that. My favorite time to run is early morning just as the sun is rising. I love sunrises. I just don't usually have any desire to get up when the sun does but that is exactly what I've been doing on a few days a week lately.
It gives me time alone to reflect, recharge, and reassess my goals. I still want a squishy little baby but I am going to learn to be patient and content with all of the many beautiful things in my life right this very moment. I'm such a lucky girl and I certainly have plenty to celebrate!
That doesn't mean I won't feel terribly heartbroken. I guess what has frustrated me about this whole process is that I am healthy and nothing points to a real reason for not conceiving. So, I'm a damned medical mystery! I have been able to see my thyroid doctor and he has put me on a different medication regiment and he feels is should definitely help me. Another waiting game... Because waiting is my absolute favorite.
...
But onto new things! Holiday things! Music things! Photography things!
October came and went rather quickly. I was able to get behind my camera for a couple of photo shoots. Both went amazingly and I am finding that I am growing in my skills a ton after each session! Of course I am not the greatest photographer around and I don't claim to be, but I do have an eye and I do enjoy capturing simple moments. My first passion will always be music but photography is a close second. Both allow me to be creative and let off steam. And I'm pretty heavy on the steam lately so it is good I have these outlets.
The family is well. My kids are doing great in school and soccer just ended so we have our lives back. No more driving across town four or five days a week! And of course, we are all getting excited for the approaching Holiday season! Big family meals, desserts, reflecting over the year, and coming together to celebrate our blessings, big and small. A little bit of actual cold weather wouldn't hurt either (come on California!!!)
Well, there you have it. I've neglected this post long enough. I promise to try and update often. Hopefully with some fun pictures next time.
I'm not going to let disappointment rule my life. To help me along this road I have been trying to find some time to focus on me. Of course I'd choose torture...
I've been running. Well, I call it running but it is actually a mixture of walking and running. I've been running 10 miles a week as a goal to start. There happens to be a pretty fun 5k happening right after my birthday so I'm looking forward to that. My favorite time to run is early morning just as the sun is rising. I love sunrises. I just don't usually have any desire to get up when the sun does but that is exactly what I've been doing on a few days a week lately.
It gives me time alone to reflect, recharge, and reassess my goals. I still want a squishy little baby but I am going to learn to be patient and content with all of the many beautiful things in my life right this very moment. I'm such a lucky girl and I certainly have plenty to celebrate!
That doesn't mean I won't feel terribly heartbroken. I guess what has frustrated me about this whole process is that I am healthy and nothing points to a real reason for not conceiving. So, I'm a damned medical mystery! I have been able to see my thyroid doctor and he has put me on a different medication regiment and he feels is should definitely help me. Another waiting game... Because waiting is my absolute favorite.
...
But onto new things! Holiday things! Music things! Photography things!
October came and went rather quickly. I was able to get behind my camera for a couple of photo shoots. Both went amazingly and I am finding that I am growing in my skills a ton after each session! Of course I am not the greatest photographer around and I don't claim to be, but I do have an eye and I do enjoy capturing simple moments. My first passion will always be music but photography is a close second. Both allow me to be creative and let off steam. And I'm pretty heavy on the steam lately so it is good I have these outlets.
The family is well. My kids are doing great in school and soccer just ended so we have our lives back. No more driving across town four or five days a week! And of course, we are all getting excited for the approaching Holiday season! Big family meals, desserts, reflecting over the year, and coming together to celebrate our blessings, big and small. A little bit of actual cold weather wouldn't hurt either (come on California!!!)
Well, there you have it. I've neglected this post long enough. I promise to try and update often. Hopefully with some fun pictures next time.
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