My sweet precious daughter,
For many months I have carried your lively spirit within me. I have treasured these months with you, feeling just how alive you are. There will be no greater joy than being your mother and I have carried that joy with me as I try and prepare for the day we will ultimately say goodbye. None of this has been easy but I have been at peace for awhile now. Of course some days I still silently crumble at the thought of your last breath and when I think about how you will likely never come home with us. We will have to settle for your sweet eternal spirit carried within our hearts instead. There will be no first car ride. No sweet swaddles late at night watching you sleep. So many things we will never do and that makes me so sad. For whatever reason, this has all unfolded and while I accept this is our territory now, I will never truly understand why all of this is happening. But I am not angry. I am still so happy you exist and even when you don't physically exist, you will be forever etched into my being, always here with me.
Thank you for hanging on these many months. Thank you for making your presence known with every wiggle, kick and roll. I will miss feeling your movements, even if I complain that you use my bladder for a trampoline far too often. It will be hard giving your tiny body to the funeral home but I know that your little spirit will be free and without pain and absolutely perfect. Even as I type this I can feel how very much alive you are and I am looking toward your birth with anticipation as well as grief. Losing you will be the hardest thing I will probably ever go through but I will hold on to the perfect love that has been taught and shown to me while on this journey. We will plant violets for you, hang your pictures and forever remember your impact. For someone who won't have the chance to live a long life, you will have affected so many people. This weekend we will honor you at your baby shower and donate baby items to our local Pregnancy Center. I am so happy to do this because I want only good things to come from this. I want to bless others the way your tiny life has blessed mine and show love to others the way others have shown me love during this journey. These are the beautiful parts of loss. Thank you little girl for trusting your life to me. You are loved.
-Mama
