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Thursday, April 3, 2014

Guilt

I've tried to write this post several times over the last few months. And it always gets erased. I cringe at the thought that someone will read this and in turn, know how absolutely wrecked I am (and have been). It is absolutely false that time heals all wounds. Some wounds only get deeper as time passes. If there ever is an end to what I am going through, it seems very distant and that sort of frightens me.
In my mind, I am still struggling with how I am supposed to feel and how others will view my pain.
And if I actually made it a point to be completely honest, would I offend someone?

Clearly in my mind I feel as if my current battle with infertility is insignificant. How can I be such a big whiny baby when I have already brought three healthy children into this world? I have come so close to mentally breaking down and I am realizing most of that has to do with how alone I feel. I know what I need to do most is allow myself to cry and talk through it, but I have no one to really talk to about it. So here it gets written. As if everyone and no one will see it. As if someone will understand or no one will.
This is me, guilty for being sad over my infertility.

I would believe it is just my age keeping me from conceiving, but I can no longer count on my hands how many friends around my age who have just given birth or are about to. I am reading about my thyroid condition and how is can cause a woman to stop ovulating but really? I just stopped cold after years of normal cycles? While I realize my thyroid condition is likely the source of my troubles, why can't I regain control of my levels after months of changing my medication dosage? Why is my body working against me? Why, why why.....

I am also a firm believer of timing. Not my timing but God's. But at 35 I can't really keep thinking optimistically. I can't just keep trying to have a baby at 40. That isn't really what I want to do. So I constantly ask myself why I am even trying after a year of no success and many, MANY tears.
Why am I putting myself through this over and over? Wishing that I could "unfeel" the feelings that lead up to wanting another child. Hoping that something would click and I'd be over this "baby fever."

Sometimes I tell myself that I'm not having more children. I just want to prepare my head and heart for the ultimate disappointment. Then I start listing the pros and cons off in my head. Even if the cons list is longer, I feel an unbearable sadness and then I eat another bowl of ice cream.
This is not how I want to live.

This place in my heart that hurts isn't how I want to feel.

I love my friends who are having miracle babies and long prayed for babies. I am rejoicing with them.
But I need to understand that I am not a bad guy for feeling broken.